short vent

I hate being a lone. It gets to a point where my entire existence wants another persons presence. it’s ok sometimes but like I said.. other times not so much..

I never imagined I’d have to face the other side of love. I think the first time I came in contact with someone destroying that for me was with my dad. He showed no interest. It wasn’t just my sister n I though… there was no interest in the woman he made us with… ain’t that crazy. That use to sting like alcohol on a fresh cut.. I hated imagining what something other than love would feel like to a good person like my mom.. she deserved the world. He unfortunately, didn’t give her that. Instead, he sent her a box of hell.

Funny, how I always told myself I wouldn’t get involved with men like that. Lol.. we all get involved with the frogs. I’ve been involved with so many boys that showed no involvement. No love, no interest… I honestly never understood why they said we were together. I think I finally know what my mom felt.. she dealt with 2 but I didn’t get that…. felt the same with everyone. When ppl speak on love, it excites me.its something I want. I need. I wanna experience that world fully. I think society fucked ppl up so much that real love can’t even be reached. We don’t understand it.

The loneliest I’ve ever felt was when my mom passed away. It’s been forever..I think at that point, I was completely confused about death. In that moment, I didn’t understand or comprehend what just happened. It wasn’t the fact she passed away, it was the fact my sister n I had to witness the entire scene. 11 and 10… who would know what to do at that age? Cus all I knew to do was panic. My body shut down and the loneliness set in. Death and loneliness sorta seemed the same…synonyms almost..

One thought on “short vent

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  1. Deja I hope you get this. I feel your pain. I to can relate. Loneliness and depression exist big time. I try to act like I am okay, lot times I’m not. I not a fake. I am a realist. I know what it feels like to want love and want it deeply. I feel ruined on so many levels. Got you changed. Holla back.

    Liked by 1 person

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