a mess about a mess🤷🏾‍♀️

Don’t expect a well written post.

It’s everywhere but enjoy my loves❤️

I don’t like crowds. I don’t like a lot of eyes on me. I don’t like unwanted attention. I was the type to take the back way in college coming and going to class instead of using the main path “tiger walk” . I avoided as many people as I could. It’s crazy, all my school years I thought I was invisible… so why would a person like that be afraid to walk down a crowded route to class? I avoided going to the cafe when I knew majority of the campus was there. I would go either super early or right b4 it closed just so I wouldn’t have to walk past people.

I hated doing presentations at school. I would have much rather did mines privately with the teacher after class than to present it in front of everybody. I don’t even know where to begin to explain how my body shutdown every time my name got called next in class. I hated icebreakers as well. I hated being in a position where I don’t know people well enough because then I feel like I’m obligated to talk and the fact that I have nothing to say makes me even more nervous…at that point I’m in full panic mode .. very uncomfortable and something constantly repeats “they’re judging your silence” …. I hate it. I avoid groups at all cost.

I hate how schools force you to do shit or even work. yea.. let’s talk about work in this lil section. interviews scare the fuck out of me. I worked at a lot of places and the interview is still the hardest part. Sweaty palms, heart beating like shit, hot asf.. all of the above. I hate it. I don’t know why interviews intimidate me but they do. I’ll never get use to em. I purposely missed out on a lot of good shit simply because I knew the interview would be more intense than normal . If I can barely survive a normal, I’d die in one of those. So.. I avoided em, missed em on purpose, canceled or simply didn’t speak up. It’s embarrassing.

I’ve always made friends who were complete opposites of me. They were the talkers in the groups. I often dated people who were complete opposites… idky. It’s not even like I don’t like conversation you know? I actually enjoy it. My thing is that it takes me a long time to get comfortable enough to even form a thought around strangers. knowing this and not knowing how to handle it raises my nervousness up more and it kills the whole thing. I really be wanting to say something but nothing comes to mind. At this point, I don’t even know how I have the friends and associates I do now. I’ve made multiple circles regarding my life. My main circle is the realest. That’s my best friend. Then there’s an outer circle. These are people I can share some stuff with but they mostly turn up friends. Then there’s that third one where it’s just people I know but not really realllly know.. but I can still sorta feel comfortable with and chat here and there.

A lot of people claim to have anxiety and all this other shit… ain’t even been diagnosed and even so, I still don’t really buy it. I think our bodies do what they do for a reason unknown. We all can have things in common relating to anxiety but there’s still different levels. and then there’s my favorite question.. who even came up with that word and definition and can we really trust it to define what and why our bodies do what they do?🤔

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